" So why do you hate men so much?"
" Just keep waiting, someone will choose you!"
" But what about a guy? No one will want you after you have a kid"
These are all things that I've been personally met with this year when the subject, even jokingly, of being a Choice Mom turns up. I laugh it off, but really? A few things to say about the topic.
Contrary to popular belief, women like me who are considering single motherhood don't hate men. I like men; I enjoy hanging out with men, I've dated quite a few men who have been lovely, but just not the right fit. Have I given up on the idea of finding a partner? Not particularly. I've just reordered the goal of motherhood before the goal of finding a partner. I can date until the cows come home; I can only have a baby for the next few years, before fertility becomes an issue. I don't have the time to "wait to be chosen.", even if I had the temperament. :D If I do find someone, great. If I don't, that's okay too.
Any partner I chose would not be for the financial security aspect; I have enough income to take care of myself and any children I have. I don't feel any need to be "Looking for a father" for my kids-to-come, beyond choosing someone I respect. Any partner I chose would be someone who I enjoyed spending time with, who I felt that special something with, someone who I could trust and was walking in the same general direction as me.
I do firmly value the contribution of males towards parenting. Children definitely benefit from having role models of both sexes in their lives, whatever the sex of the children... There are so many types of families out there these days. My type of family will have a Granddad, A Big Brother, several Uncles, and a Godfather to fill the gap of male loving role model, if I don't meet the right person. Even if I do, all those wonderful role models will still be there in my child's life.
I argue that single people parenting on their own actually value men more than most. They've done it all by themselves, and both know what one person is capable of, and are thankful for the help when they get it. Men are seen as also capable of choosing what type of life they want(kids or no kids etc), and are respected for communicating that the direction one is going is not the direction that they want to go in.
The misunderstandings come in when people assume that all a single mom is looking for is someone to fill a role(pay the bills/take out the garbage/"Be A Father") instead of someone with mutual likes/dislikes/paths/zingyfeelings. Some say that expecting both is asking too much, or having too high of standards. Some get offended at the stereotype of a single mom looking to role-fill, and avoid dating entirely. Some have low self esteem or a specific cultural message that says, "Nothing matters except you filling these roles", and get offended when they are turned away due to other factors not being right.
TD;LR. Choice moms don't hate men, we just have Things to Do that can't wait until we find one.
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