End of the line for me

Welcome readers,

Well, it looks like I'm getting off the single parent by choice bus.

I've recently received news from my doctor that I have a laundry list of things wrong with me, and though she's not 'ruling it completely out with IVF', I'm going to have a really expensive road there. They had found a three inch lump on a previous monitoring scan for the PCOS, and had me in for an MRI.

On the MRI, they discovered I had adenomyosis, endometriosis, and fibroids in my uterus.

Add that to my PCOS and already being in my thirties? Even I know when to stop beating my head against the wall and hoping for different results.

I'm going to have to process this in steps. The first step for me, is science. I'm going to take a look at each of these things wrong with me, and figure out exactly what goes on.

So. Adenomyosis. This does the following...

1. Doubles or triples my chances of miscarriage in the second or third trimesters. Basically, the uterus muscle cells, over time, continue to lose their ability to stretch and contract with the growth of a fetus. The homey bits where the egg implants bonds with the muscle layer of the uterus. When a conception occurs, the uterus can only stretch so far before it can no longer hold the pregnancy, and spontaneous miscarriage occurs.
2. Causes hormonal and chemical imbalances that can slow down or deny sperm travel into the fallopian tubes, and change the vascularization of the uterus. Increase estrogen causes increase PGE2, which then causes difficulty in implantation as well.
3. Immunological attacks against the fetus. Even after successful implantation, the embryo may still be attacked by immune surveillance and T cells of the body. This causes all around inflammation, resulting in early miscarriage.

Recommended treatment? Hysterectomy, or immediately trying for a baby NOW, even though I'm not financially ready. The kicker is, depending on how much this progresses before I start trying, adenomyosis sometimes is a show-stopper even for IVF treatment, making the chances of a healthy, live baby from 45% a cycle to ...much lower. Stats behind the cut, because these are tough to look at.

The clinical pregnancy rate (22.2% versus 47.2%) and ongoing pregnancy rate (11.1% versus 45.9%) were significantly lower in women with adenomyosis and the miscarriage rate (50.0% versus 2.8%) was significantly higher in women with adenomyosis

So, for the rest of us, only one in five women with adenomyosis (and no other problems) got a BFP; of those women, half of them miscarried. So that`s only a one in ten chance per IVF cycle for a live baby. 

ONE IN TEN. *goes off to scream in a pillow* Without any other problems. *keeps screaming* 

Add Endometriosis to that mix. It does the following:

1. That endometriosis muscle layer of the uterus... when it was pushed out of place by above, started to bond with other organs in the abdominal cavity. Obviously, other organs don't like my uterus being so huggy, and this triggers autoimmune general inflammation of everything around it. This is the number one cause of infertility in women. (50%). Without help, my monthly chances of becoming pregnant without help? Only 3%. 

Treatment? There is a laproscopic procedure that can double your chances from 17% (with fert drugs) to 28% (with fertility drugs). IVF is recommended, (if you don't have cocurrent conditions like me). 

Add fibroids in the uterus.

I don't know where exactly my fibroids are located, but these can also impair fertility by(depending on location)

1. Blocking fallopian tubes
2. Changing the positioning and health of the baby during the pregnancy.
3. Prevent sperm and egg from meeting

Check out this study on the different types of fibroids, and if taking them out is likely to improve your chances.

Now, if I had all the money in the world, I would absolutely still be trying at this. But I don't.

I'm going to have to grieve this, it's not really Real yet, you know? I was so happy that I didn't have cancer (original suspected reason for the MRI), and I even feel a bit guilty for being sad. It's just so.. big. I always pictured myself with kids, with a family, with someone to nurture and love and teach the family traditions and holidays and be there for. And now? Now.

I'm going to be MIA for a bit I think, before I even think of adoption as an alternative. I really need to accept this deep down before I try anything else. 

Best of luck on all your fertility journeys.

National Daycare Plan - The answer?

Canada's Federal Election has now been called.

I'm really excited about the NDP's platform promise of a nationally subsidized daycare plan at $15 a day. That would revolutionize my life. I would be able to afford both buying a house, and daycare, and even an education fund for the kidlets. I would only have to make $22 an hour to support my family with food and shelter, and that is completely doable.

I'm so excited.

This could be IT.

Just shows that national politics really can effect lives at a ground level. Crossing my fingers.

Inflation and Cost of Living in Vancouver

Still working on getting that downpayment.

Have looked into childcare in more depth... This scares the bejesus out of me.

I thought, with savings, I could afford a nanny, which would allow me to continue the irregular job hours that I have now. But... with doing it above the table, and accounting for travel time to and from work? That's ten hours a day of nanny I need. One nanny would be four working days of work... But then I would also need a second nanny for that last day, including vacation/insurance/benefits etc for THAT nanny, and I'm done.

I don't have the financial base to be realistically thinking this can happen with this job.

Even if I lucked into a public daycare space, that's still $1300 now, and likely $1500 or more in a few years with the average 4% inflation each year.

So.

Do I think about taking another job, somewhere with a lower cost of living? That most likely would be a pay cut due to the loss of seniority inherent in moving location. A more rural location would increase the difficulty of finding childcare that can work around shift work and such that would also be built in to a new locale. I would have more access to wilderness to expose the children to though, and a more relaxed lifestyle with fewer opportunities to spend money I won't have. It may be seven years though, before I get another steady, defined hour set job. I would be in my late thirties. That's a negative.

Yes, I could just dive into it all, and hope for the best. But.... I'm a realist. I don't want to put myself and my family in a position of me not being able to feed or cloth my children. Having a mortgage will increase my housing costs for the next ten years... That's a fact. I could not buy, but then there is that whole aspect of uncertainty I would HATE hate hate in fearing being kicked out for having multiple pets and a child, or not being able to afford the rental increase.

<Side note:> One of the reasons I'm so set on buying is simply looking at inflation for rent prices, here in Vancouver. It's not like salaries are going up, but in ten years, rent will anywhere from 30% to 40% more than it is now (assume 2.5-3.5% inflation allowed, as per the last five years). That would make a two bedroom minimum $1600 (instead of today's $1200), not including utilities. That would be a huge chunk of cash for not-a-mortgage, leaving very little for food and necessities, let alone childcare.

Ten years from now, what costs will be like, assuming minimum wage and average increase in public care:
         Nanny                                                                              
So.... $2000 Childcare (nanny #1)
          $740  Childcare (nanny #2)
         $1600 Rent
         $ 400  Food
         $ 100  Electric and Phone
         $ 100  Internet
_________________________________
         $4200 MINIMUM after tax income

....
....
....

That would mean I would have to be earning a MINIMUM of $40/hour.

This is so disheartening. No wonder some moms just choose to be on social assistance until their children are old enough for school.... One can't afford to work, or do anything other than just scrape by until the daycare isn't needed.

[Links] Parenting Essay I want to read again once I have kids...

"If She's Not Having Fun You Have To Stop

Essay on how teaching empathy and yes means yes begins in play, at an early age.

Hiatus and mourning

So I've drawn myself a few new lines in the sand.

First line:

I am not allowed to move forward with any more SMC stuff until I have my finances until control. What do I mean by this? I want to have the absolute minimum 5% downpayment in my pocket for the tiniest house I can squeak by with, and another known sum of money in my pocket in preparation for the expense of Trying.

I've been over focusing, and thinking about this too much. It's going to take at least a year, maybe three, to get this point done. I need to remember to live my life as well as plan my future.



Second line:

I am going to allow myself to mourn possibilities that are likely/unlikely to happen if I continue down this SMC path. Properly mourn. I spend too much time being positive, reminding myself that Things Aren't Like That and Chance! Luck! Change!

Those are good things for staying positive, but I also need to acknowledge that I will lose things, concepts, possible paths by choosing to mother alone. Without truly staring them in the face and saying goodbye, it's hard to gut understand the path's turns.

I'm unlikely to be walked down the aisle by my father, beaming proudly.

No one will be holding my hand in the labor room... Or someone I hire will be, most likely.

When I'm sick, I will likely have to ignore my pain, as there will be no one else to care for my child available. I will have to accept that I get growly in such situations, and forgive myself.

I will have to deal with butthurt men belittling my family composition, thoughtlessly and most likely hurting my child's feelings in retaliation for my choice to create my family somehow preventing them from finding a family of their own.

I will always feel those twinges of poverty, as other two income parent's make thoughtless assumptions about base contributions towards group activities or goals.

Many of my friends will drift away, as commonalities dwindle.


I'm unlikely to achieve anywhere close to the level of financial stability or freedom that I would as a single person.

I'm unlikely to do much travelling with a child, as compared to without.

If I choose to co-parent, dating will always have the extra layer of complication, or I may choose to not date at all and focus on the family of coparenting. I would be choosing to live with the uncertainty of "What if someone comes along with the "whole package", and my coparent leaves?