[Book Reviews] July 28, 2013 - August 3, 2013

This week's book: "Single by Chance, Mother's by Choice", by Rosanna Hertz (2006)

ISBN: 091517990-0

Summary: 65 mothers who decided to start out raising their children alone were interviewed in 1999, and then followed up with five years later. Very few followed the expected social pattern of regretting becoming single mothers; most had actually gone on to have second or third children, still without partners in the picture.

From the first paragraph, this book hooked me in. It sounds like this author understood where I was coming from (seriously; the first anecdote was about a health care worker my age having the same concerns).

[Dragoncon] 15 People You See At Every Convention

DORKLY had a great comic about the common tropes of people you see at most geeky conventions. As I'm heading off to Dragoncon this year, I thought I'd share the laugh I got out of it.

Click here to check out DORKLY's comic.

And here's the second half of the comic. ^^


Enjoy!

Anyone else hitting Dragoncon this year?

Investments

What happens if I put all this effort and thought into becoming a choice mom, and then it doesn't pan out?

Welcome to the What-If Woods

There are so many ways that it could go to the birds... Infertility, lack of funds, financial emergency in other areas of life. Heck, I could even just decide that this isn't the path for me. That is part of the risk of thinking about going life as a choice mom. You have to throw all your resources at one goal, and if they run out, they run out. There isn't anyone else to back you up, in either determination or funding. What then?

Would this blog be a waste, a source of embarrassment for me, a reminder of things that I couldn't make happen?

I don't think so.

Some one else may find value in reading my frenetic confabulations, my waverings and research. The end of my story, if it ends badly, may be of use as well, as a warning to avoid that set of choices. Even if they didn't.... documenting something that drove me so hard during a period in my life has value.

My life without children would still have value, and positivity in it. While having a child would enhance my life, I'm not going to be desolate and worthless without one. There are a lot of things  I could do as a childless woman; afford a better house, go on trips, take up more hobbies....While that would be an emotional wound, that path's door closing, I would be able to get up and go on.

I think I needed to say that out loud. Part of me views going on childless as checking out of life and life's interactions... That meandering through life going to cons and never experiencing being on the other end of family life leaves something irreparably incomplete.That I'm not creative enough of a person to make my "contribution" to society to be my art, or social commentary, or hosting skills. My relationship to beauty isn't one of comfortableness. I'm not an artist.  I'm not a social engineer, working marvels with interpersonal skills.

I'm a Geek; I'm a Maker; I'm a researcher and someone who is happy to roll up their sleeves to help her friends.  I'm gifted with so many friends who are able to show tangible contributions to the world at large, while my hours and spirit are spent on practical matters; Things that make my heart sing, but are wholly undervalued by the world at large.

I would still have value to myself if I chose to not go through with this.

[Book Reviews] July 16-21

When Baby Makes Two: by Jene Stonesifer (1994)

ISBN:1565653467

Summary:  Addresses many of the ups and downs of becoming a single mother, mainly via the avenues of adoption, divorce, or having your significant other leave once he finds out you are going through with a pregnancy. The viewpoint seems to have a love/hate relationship with fathers and single mothers... she vilifies "deadbeat fathers" while simultaneously being unable to budge from beneath the underlying stigma of "single mother" that she finds herself with.

This was a different book than I thought it would be. It started with scripture, and that's usually a sign for me that viewpoints will be Very Different. ^^

[SMC Peek] Sleep Deprivation

Last night Swiffer,(my dog) had insomnia. Every two hours, she decided it was imperitave that I wake up, take her outside to stand and sniff for an unproductive ten minutes, and then go inside. By the second call, I was on robot setting.

 <begin program>


Does she need water? Stop in front of the water dish, fresh water. 

No dice.

Zombie over to the door, attach reasonable facismile of clothing. Exit door, do the potty walk. 

No dice.

Zombie back in. Drag out the thermometer. Take a distasteful but necessary temperature. 

Normal.

Feel all over for hot spots or injury. 

Nothing.

Check all the windows for attempted break in, appropriate security, anyone casting shadow etc.; no smoke from anywhere in the apartment

Nothing, everything is safe.

Resolved? No obvious distress now? 

Return to bed.

Repeat up to three times before escalating to next robot program.

Fantasize about not being in this private foggy world all alone.

<end program>


After round three (and a productive potty walk!), dog settled down for the rest of the night.

It just occurred to me that this is a really good practice run for the first year of parenting. Substitute water for milk, and change up the medical checks, and I can reframe this as a good experience for me to have. If I can handle that's one step closer to levelling up towards being able to do this. Or, more accurately, proving to myself that I can do this.

Underbrain connects the dots

Suddenly I feel exponentially more stressed about money.

Can I do this?

The Wait List is HOW LONG?

Today I finally got a call back from my workplace daycare; I was so happy. I had initially called to see what their policies were, when they were open, how much, basic stuff that isn't all listed on the website.

By the end of the call, I had placed myself and a mythical yet-to-be child on a waitlist.

You know those jokes people toss back and forth about how waiting until your child is born to start looking for daycare is years too late?

It's true.

The current waitlist for my work's group lisenced daycare is OVER TWO YEARS. The very nice lady on the other end of the phone informed me that I was Doing It Right by calling before I had even started to try and conceive; that I had a "Very Good Chance" of getting my infant into the on site daycare when I did get around to conceiving. "A Very Good Chance", since the waitlist keeps on getting longer each year by about three months; so if I start trying in a year and a half, that should do me when my maternity leave is done. Unless it gets longer, of course.

0.o

Not joking.

Numbed by this fact, I meekly put my name on the waitlist for imaginary baby girl who may or may not exist in 2016.

That said, there are a lot of group daycares with immediate openings right now; they just cost about $700 more a month, or are unlicensed and $400/month more, or are so much out of my way that I would have to buy a car to get to work/daycare on time. Or involve alternate methods such as nannies/etc. Since I also know that each of these daycares do jack their prices up each year for inflation, those numbers would get even farther apart.

I was just shocked that the waitlist for convenient, semi-affordable daycare that is sponsored in part by my work and only available to employees is TWO PLUS YEARS. I liked the idea of this daycare though -- the care went until six each day, so I would have time to do errands post work, she would be close enough to visit at lunch, and it includes two healthy snacks and a hot lunch option when they are older and off the bottle. The outside play area is wonderful, and the staff ratio is above recommended and have a low turnover rate. Cost? 60$/day.

Oi. Fire under my butt now to squirrel even more away.

Family and Location

Just returned from a visit with my lovely parents and island people. I miss them. I get that feeling of history, of rootedness, of grounding when I am there with them.

Being out of the city fills me with a much deeper sense of who I am and where I come from than living in Vancouver does. The difference pace, the slower, less frantic rhythm appeals. So do the property prices, frankly.... and the parental support that would be available, for SMCing.

I could buy an actual house for the same money I could buy a dilapidated one bedroom condo here. If I was willing to swallow my pride, I could buy a double-wide trailer that was on the posh side with wood stove, spacious living, and multiple bedrooms/good locale for an amount I could pay off in less than a decade.

My parents would be available for company and support, whenever. That's one of the things I especially miss... everyone in the city is wonderful, but that seems to also come hand in hand with "busy with laundry list of activities" and thus lack the easy drop by intimacy that island folk have, to do their own thing in the same spot companionably.

People don't pull a freakout on the island if they see your child having a soda pop as a treat, or eating non-organic apples; there is a heightened sense of privacy and family choice.

What brings that dream of moving back to a screeching halt is my job. It's a city job, with the raises I've earned due to city regionalization and specialization. I would lose all that, and have to work my way up again from shift work and on call shifts. If I'd just stayed on the island that would have worked out perfectly, but I didn't. I grew and changed and moved here, and now I have to make the best of it. Or win the lotto. That's a valid option, right?

:r

Sometimes it depresses me, the what-if's of different paths.  And other times it makes me keep my eyes open for possible slightly different careers that would lead me back to something that seems brighter.

[Book Reviews] July 7-15

In Defense of Single Parent Families, by Nancy E Dowd (1997)

ISBN: 0-8147-1869-8

Summary: A treatise on how single parent families are not 'wrecking the social fabric', and should not be stigmatized as social problems. Note that although the title says "Single Parent", what Nancy mostly writes about is "Single Mothers", as she readily admits there simply aren't many statistics or studies done on single fathers parenting without assistance of stepmothers in the house.

I had a hard time getting though this book, though it did have several good points to think on. I think this is partially because the stigma that Nancy was battling over fifteen years ago has vastly diminished. It is no longer unnatural for people to single parent; it has become the new normal. I'm happy that society has changed this much that the battles we face aren't the same Nancy faced; that said, I found it interesting to sample her world, and what it had to say about both single parents and divorced parents.

[Links] Adulting -- Or, How to Grow Up

I love this blog.

Adulting, is the source of a step by step program to get yourself into a mental place where you can confidently think of yourself as a grown up. You may laugh, but most people under forty without kids seriously have a hard time thinking of themselves as adults.

Independent? Certainly. Old enough to drink? Hell yes.

But adults? Responsible people who have their stuff together and can support themselves/others?

Hardly.

I must confess, I'm one of those people. I have a wonderful job, a lovely apartment, and volunteer etc galore.. but I'm still a bit bemused when teenager's ma'am me , and invisibly panic when I forget to do things to prep for guests that apparently are now expected now that I'm no longer a a starving student; like having Nice Towels and A Real Bed and Extra Toothbrushes just in case they need them.

So. Adulting. Wonderful. Even being made into a book in the next few years. Check it out.

Take today's topic.

Adulting Central Theme: "Harden the F*** Up".

Because some people get things done in a functional, systematic way even when they don’t feel like it, and some people don’t. And I know what kind of person I would like to be.

Or Yesterdays....

Step 179: Stop enjoying things ironically. Just enjoy them.

Step  254: When apologizing, consider whether you are doing it for them or for yourself.. If your apology is just goint go disrupt their lives ato make your feel less guilty for whatever you did, swallow it and move on. Your error, your guilt.