Non-negotiable things like godparents

Today I got to thinking about what is negotiable and what is not, for me, in terms of things or resources when I decide to start TTCing. YMMV, as all of these things are viewed as "luxuries" by many families.

Car?           

 I could do without, if it meant TTCing earlier. Vancouver is a transit friendly enough city, especially with the car coops. It would sure make things a lot EASIER, if I had a car and it was all paid off, but this is not something I would just lay down the money for.  Car = Negotiable.

House?

[Book Reviews] July 1 - 7, 2013

And Nanny Makes Three, by Jessika Auerbach (2007)

ISBN: 031235598-X

Summary: This book addresses the emotional and financial relationship hurdles found between a nanny and a mother, with or without a father in the picture.

She paints a lovely picture of what having a nanny can be like, and being the type of person that nannying for is a good thing... Eggs in the morning, pajama pants and chill vibes before starting to work, a solid team kind of idea. And then ruefully admits that it's almost impossible to make that a reality, despite best intentions.

I enjoyed her candor ......

[Nannies] The Self Employed Nanny versus the Employed Nanny

Here begins my line of posts detailing on and about Nannies. As many SMC's who I run into on the forums seem to use them, I thought I'd start looking into the feasability of hiring a nanny in Vancouver, BC.

The first thing that I learned here is that there are a LOT of "We'll find you a nanny!" companies here in Vancouver. :D Seriously. Quite a few.

Take a step forward.

Then I figured out that not all of them are licensed, and not all of them do much at all except coordinate the background check and put out the Craigslist ad for you.Then they charge a few thousand.

One step back.

Googling various child care provider sites for policies and nitty gritty, I found out there are two ways a nanny can present herself for employment, and how the government of Canada can see the employment contract between you. Either:

1) Your child care provider is self-employed; You are a client. She tells you what her requirements are and you either meet them/sign for her services, or you don't hire her.

2) You are an employer, and set out the requirements/wages you wish to pay. People apply who wish to accept those conditions.

 What's the difference, and how do you figure out which type of relationship you want to look for?

[Daycare] Questions to ask: GST, HST, and PST, Oh My!

Welcome back to my blog, lovely readers. This post continues the segment on "What to ask a potential daycare provider" started last week. As this has proven a much more complicated subject than I first though when I started to research, I will be adding more posts as to not infodump you all.



Do you charge GST/HST ?

[Book Reviews] June 24-29

Do I Want To Be A Mom? By  Diana L. Dell and Susan Erem (2003)

ISBN: 0-07-140074-5

Summary:  A conversational, easy to read book on the age old question, "Will I be happier as a mother or without children?" Each common reason given towards wanting children/not wanting children is expressed, and then shortly discussed. Decent look at the emotional questions the issue brings up, and a good read for crystallizing things one way or the other.


I found this book to be a quick read. It was easy to flip by the reasoning that I was not actually resonating with, and proceed directly to the authors' thoughts on the reasons that did appeal to or worry me. The author's take was quite unique to others I've read so far on the genre. One of the women writing this book was child-free, and the other a self-admitted "Failed Mom", who weekend parents after she left her kids with her husband. Though no one speaks of it, single motherhood can often bring those spectres of doubt;

[local] Vancouver Area Fertility Clinics: Introduction

Note: The following brief introduction to Vancouver area clinics is based solely on their website content as of June 2013, and related news stories also found on the web. Your mileage may vary, and I do not make any statements as to the effectiveness/state of each clinic, as I have no personal experience at all with any of the clinics yet.

The number of Vancouver area fertility clinics is running at the following four right now:

Pacific Centre for Reproductive Medicine: I couldn't find when PCRM opened at all on their website, but internet records show they have been open from at least 2008. PCRM has three physical sites, one on Burnaby, one on Broadway, and one in Surrey. That would add convenience. They feature 3D ultrasound, and are currently doing a clinical IVF trial for previous poor responders to IVF.


Genesis Fertility: Open in 1995. Now lacking it's founding members Dr. Yutzpe, and Dr. Margo Fluker (who created their own clinic, Olive Fertility in 2013, detailed below,), it appears the only doctor left is Dr. Sonja Kashyap. Genesis does host it's own monthly support group for women. After combing Genesis' website, the only sign I saw that they served single mothers by choice was the inclusion of Nicola's email among the "Resource" section of their website. All phrasing on the website was tailored to couples, and there was no mention of the clinic supporting the ideals of SMC/welcoming clients who were SMC.


Olive Fertility: Olive is a new player in this high stakes game, an offshoot by several of the doctors that used to be involved with Genesis. They boast some of the most experienced doctor's in Canada, but controversely have no statistics or fee list to compare to the other clinics, as they just opened in 2013.


Victoria Fertility. Victoria Fertility (located in Victoria, BC), established in 2003, has two claims to fame: First, it's Premier IVF Plan, which provides a heavy discount for subsequent cycles of IVF if your first is not successful (unique in British Columbia), and it's sole doctor, Doctor Stephen Hudson. He has about 25 years of experience, and most all of the reviews online about his bedside manner were positive.


Statistics comparison summary for all above clinics will follow in an upcoming post.

[IVF Clinical Trials] PCRM Trial based in Vancouver BC

Pacific Centre of Reproductive Medicine is currently recruiting for it's IVF study. 

PCRM will be studying the effect of Growth Hormone as a supplement in previous poor responders to IVF.

To be eligible, one must meet these basic requirements;

1. In your previous IVF experience, to have produced less than four follicles greater in size than 14mm, while using either FSH or HMG from cycle start.
2. Be less than 45 years old.
3. Have a fasting glucose level of <6.1 mmol/L and TSH ≤ 5.5 mU/L, tested within the past month. (Not be diabetic or have uncorrected thyroid problems).
4. To have a recent day 2/3 FSH of less than 12, taken in the last six months.
5. BMI must be less than 38.
6. To not be a smoker.
7. To not be pregnant or lactating.
8. To not have participated in this study before.
9. To not be participating in any study other than this one during the study time period.

There are a few other requirements, but those are the base ones.

Check out the full study by following the link below:

[Support Systems] Vancouver Specific Resources

We've talked previously about what a support system is for, and why single moms need it especially.

We've also previously mentioned online national forums, such as Jane's Single Mothers By Choice forums, or Mikki's Choice Mom forums and resources.

I've recently also found an online forum for specifically Vancouver (BC) based single mothers, or those thinking about it. The group is friendly, and taking applications to join via the yahoo group forums.

The yahoo group is called "SMCVAN", and features both adoptive mothers and donor mothers; running at over a hundred members, I would recommend this as a great community to ask questions of, and to check local experiences of fertility clinics here. I found the yahoo group active, friendly and fairly quick to respond to membership requests. To find it, do a search on yahoo groups for SMCVAN, and apply for membership.

 Once you give birth, more options open up.

[Self Reflection] Vulnerability

Making this blog was a big step for me.

Although I've been considering thoughts along these lines (having a child alone) for a while now, putting the thoughts out into the wild was a very vulnerable moment.

What if people whose opinion I value disapprove or stop talking to me anymore?

Heck, what if strangers on the internet start posting judgmental troll comments? ^^

We've all heard the usual conservative commentary...

[Book Reviews] June 17-26

Creating a Life: Professional Women And the Quest for Children, by Sylvia Ann Hewlett, copyright 2002.

ISBN: 0-7868-6766-3

 

Summary: Interview of high profile career women in their 50's, and their take on why many of them are still childless. Full of Very Scary Statistics on how having a career is incompatible with family life, unless Very Carefully Planning, early on. This book is focused on American culture, as it also proceeds to give suggestions that are already in place in Canada to improve options for women.

This book left me with mixed feelings.

[Link Roundup] June 17-26

This week's link theme is into a few wonderful links on being both a larger lady and pregnant.


Arwyn, of "Raising My Boychick" blog, talks candidly about the politics of being fat and pregnant, and the stigma of taking belly pics while so. She also has interesting posts on parenting and body image.


Another well known blog I want to feature is from childcare and birth advocate, Pamela Vireday, who writes The Well Rounded Mama blog.

One of the things she said that really resonated with me in her posts about miscarriage chances and PCOS is:

"Oh, how I wish I had known then that the risk for miscarriage dropped considerably once a heartbeat has been documented.  It's not a guarantee, and there is still room for concern...but neither is it as chancy as many doctors think it is, even in fat women.  - Pamela(Link to original post)" -

 I've been combing the web this week and scaring myself silly with all the dire warnings and statistics on how PCOS is so much harder to get pregnant and stay pregnant with. Finding her blog, with a different frame-set, was a relief.

I specifically want to point you all HERE, to this part of her website discussing PCOS during pregnancy.

[Daycare] Questions to ask...Tantrums and Clarification

The Cliff Notes here, for anyone who hasn't braved the daycare search yet? Usually when you find a daycare provider that has an open spot, or who is taking a wait list, they will arrange an interview for you to get to know them and their policies of care. This is when a contract may or may not be signed, detailing expectations, monthly costs, length of contract, and other niceties.

Before you scrawl your John Doe on that contract, you may want to ask....


What is your policy on children having tantrums? How would you deal with it? Have you ever terminated a contract due to tantrums that didn't harm other children or property?

[Daycare] Unpacking your personal expectations of daycare providers

We all know that finding a daycare here in Vancouver is a special sort of hell. Stories of signing up on waiting lists before you even start TTCing are whispered in the halls at work, and woe behold any mom naiive enough to wait until a month before she needs care and expect to find a safe or affordable spot at all, unless she can afford thousands for a nanny.

That said, I think it's really important to be crystal clear about what your expectations of a care provider are. If you are going to be spending more than the average mortgage payment a month on something, better make sure it's what you want, eh?

Today's post is a step in unpacking those personal expectations, and then finding the appropriate questions to ensure they are communicated and agreed upon before leaving a child in care. You would assume that many of these are obvious things everyone would include, but you know what they say about assumptions...

For me? I would be looking for the following:

Someone who has experience and knowledge to safely and appropriately care for my children while I am at work or otherwise engaged. If not in my own home, someone who has the physical space to do so as well.


           I'm happy with any type of experience, really... Be that being eldest in a large family, ECE certification, teaching certification, or being a mother with the same type of parenting styles that I choose. No experience with children? Not Acceptable. Not having first aid? Not Acceptable. If they are providing care outside of my own home, I would also inspect the premises for safety hazards and adequate room for number of kids present.

Someone who cares about my child, and will take the time to be kind to them, and to model correct behavior. Someone who makes my child feel welcome in their home.

           You think this would be true of people working with children, but it really isn't. Daycare is a business, like any other, for many. I remember my own experience with a family in home care provider. Her biological children were kings; allowed in different parts of the house without us during daycare hours with the provider, while we were left on our own in the "daycare kids room" during all the hours that weren't meal time and mandatory "herd the kids outside into the fenced grass area for an hour" time. Note that this type of care meets the first point, as she had the skills and certifications to care for us, but certainly not this second point.

Someone who will actually interact with my child and actively care for them. This includes potty training/encouragement to work through their emotions, and to learn about the world around them.

Again, you think this isn't asking for much, but the number of at home care situations in which everyone just watches t.v., or the provider pretty much ignores the children until screaming starts isn't a small one.

Someone who can work around my changing start times/end times (M-F still though) and ensure my child has care when she needs it. I work shift work, and this is essential for me to keep my job and put food on the table.

Yes, this will be inconvenient, having some variation to the drop off times. I'm perfectly willing to pay extra, if necessary, to do early drop-off, if the centre's hours aren't included in those times. I will ideally find a situation where the odd weekend and evening will be able to be covered too, in order for me to attend work and not have to find a second care provider to patch the holes, so to speak.


Someone who has a fixed rate for full time care, with transparent financial requirements.

I don't want to have to deal with hidden fees, nonsensical fees, or sudden unannounced fee hikes. I don't want to have to sign a contract thinking that I'm paying for "Full Time Care, Monday to Friday" in a centre that is open 0600 to 1800, and then find out that "Full Time Care" only allows six hours per day, or adds extra fees if my child stays beyond eight hours. Let's face it people, even if you work a normal eight hour shift, yes, you may need ten hours in order to include transportation time to and fro from work, let alone stopping for groceries or the potential of having to stay late until the next shift arrives. Heck, you may need that single hour to YOURSELF to recharge before switching hats. I would expect a daycare provider to not judge me for that, as long as I was really clear about pick up times and it was well within daycare hours.

Second point to this: If there is a standard fee for early drop off beyond the usual centre hours? Awesome. I'll pay it. What I'm not looking for is to play the game some care providers play, when they keep jacking up the fee to passive aggressively say that they don't want to continue doing it. Just say no already, and I'll find another care provider who will. Communication, right?



So that's that, in a nut shell, what this SMC Thinker would be looking for, bare bones, in a care provider.

What would you look for?

What did you focus on looking for for children you currently have, and what would you look for next time?

What did you pay (and where/which centres?) for care providers that met these requirements?

Next up? Non-standard questions to ask in interviews to find out if these are qualities a daycare centre actually has.

[local issues] $10 a Day Daycare: The Dream

Daycare is one of the most expensive costs in parenting a child. Expenses start at around $800/month for a non-licensed care provider, and go up to $1600 and even higher for licensed care providers. Nannies are even worse... A minimum wage nanny starts at around $2000/month and goes up for experience and contract requirements.

That is a LOT of money for a two income family, let alone a one income family.

Daycare cost alone is what makes the first five years of a child's life a lot more financially stressful than it could be. This is why one social policy alternative is picking up such support in British Columbia:

The $10/day subsidized daycare plan (Link to Policy Site).

"Under the Plan, new public dollars will go to child care programs to cap parent fees at $10/day for full time care and $7/day for part time care and make it free for families who make less than $40,000 a year. Families could save up to $10,000 a year and many could move out of poverty. Funding would also increase child care workers’ wages to an average of $25 an hour plus benefits" (Vancouver Sun Quote)

While the BC Government is not yet on board, massive amounts of lobbying is currently taking place. a March for Affordable Daycare occurred March 2013.

Quebec already has a similar system in place, and it's improved quality of life immeasurably for families.

If BC decides to follow Quebec's lead, the barriers towards Canadians having families, including choice moms, will noticeably diminish.

I'm crossing my fingers. This could really change the game of planning to parent.

[Choice Mom Culture] Lingo

As I've been diving in to all this research and various online community, I've run into a bevy of very common acronyms and phrases that I thought I would share.

TTC: Trying To Conceive

SMC/Single Mother by Choice; usually indicates that the poster shares some of the views of Jane Mattes, the original lead of the movement, published in the book "Single Mothers By Choice".

Choice Mom: usually indicates that the poster shares more of the views of Mikki Morrissette, an up and comer on the subject. Book and website site, "Choicemoms.org".

BFP: Big Fat Positive, or a positive pregnancy test result. Reason for celebration.

BFN: Big Fat Negative, or a negative pregnancy test result. Disappointment and sadness as a result.

IVF: In Vitro Fertilization, or the act of harvesting eggs and sperm, and creating embryos outside of body before inserting them back into the womb.

IUI: Interuterine insemination. Done at a doctor's office, the sperm is inserted much further up the reproductive tract. Thought to increase chances of conception.

ICI: Intracervical insemination. Can be done at home or in a doctor's office, with a simple tube and syringe. Otherwise known as the "turkey baster method".

T42: Trying to conceive a second child.

LH Surge/Surge: This is your body's signal that it's prime fertile period is coming up in the next 24-48 hours. Detected by urine tests every day, or blood tests. If your 'surge is positive'/your 'surging', it means you need to rush to your doctor's/sperm bank and attempt to conceive.

TWW: Two Week Waiting period. In between a conception attempt, there are two weeks of waiting time before pregnancy tests will be accurate on whether someone is pregnant or not. These two weeks are often emotionally hard, and trigger requests for support during, until they know one way or the other.

The Question: When your child asks you where their father is. Dreaded by many mothers, but usually very well prepared for and positively addressed by most choice moms with a variation of "We are a family of a mommy and a child and a grandpa", rather than the negative take of "You don't have a Father." Being up front about it is recommended.

[Self Examination] Why?

One of the first questions friends ask me, when they first learn about my desires to become a choice mom, is a simple one.

"Why"?

They don't mean it in a disrespectful way, but they honestly cannot see why I would even think of choosing to parent alone, rather than waiting for a guy to come and pick me as his partner first.

Fair enough.

I want to love a child, hold a child, teach a child. One that is mine, who I can build a family for and come home to. I want to worry about all those seemingly stupid things like "What preschools should she go to?", or " Will she do well at her first birthday party away from me?". I want to provide the type of reliable, loving care that my parents gave me. As I get older, I'm finding out more and more that that was a true gift, and not one that many get to experience. I want to sing my child to sleep, to read story books to them and take them camping. I want to see them launch into the world on the wings I have helped them weave.

I've tried volunteering to meet this need to love and teach. Big Sisters, hospital visits, fostering animals, first aid responder, and so many more. It helps, but I want more. More and more, just living for myself is becoming tedious.

They are right in a way... I COULD wait until I meet someone, if I meet someone. I still have four years before things are do or die in the fertility department. I could wait, and not plan, thinking that the mysterious Man will save up for this family thing I want, and have a better salary than me, and appear in the next year or two like magic. Or I could use all the life experience that I have accumulated these last decades and notice...

I'm not getting any younger. Relationships in my friend group aren't lasting any longer.

Even if I met someone now, who was going in the same direction, and my perfect personality and pheromone match?  Using the Ideal Relationship TM map, it would be too late. We both would want to take it slow, get to know eachother for a few years, then marry, make sure that is stable and joy-filled for another few years, and then start saving up for and having kids, if my partner still wanted to at that time. My PCOS and age by then would run a high risk of total infertility, even if I could afford IVF. Many men these days don't want to start having children until they are in their forties or fifties. That's fine. But I can't wait on the shelf until the right guy is ready to maybe pick me.
 I claim the right to decide about when and if I have children.

I choose to take the risk of being rejected for being a Choice mom, rather than betting on an amorphous future.

And that path looks mighty fine to me.

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

This is a wonderful explanation of what being sick, or having PCOS/depression/going through hard times is really like.

Bibliophile

I think my neighbours gave me a second and third look today. I was coming home from the central library downtown (heaven! for a bibliophile), with three fabric grocery bags full of books to read and review. The downtown library is gorgeous; floors upon floors of books, amazing architecture, and lovely staff.

Vancouver Central Library, WikiMedia Photo by Alex Ramon, July 2005

Sadly, for me to carry all that book-crack involved a lot of huffing and maneuvering, and being plastered in soaking wet clothes didn't help. We had had one of those Vancouver sudden bursts of rain on the way home, and I had taken off my wind breaker to cover up the tops of the book bags.

Can't be letting the books get wet, and it won't hurt me to, hey?

That said, looking like a drowned rat dragging her prize home wasn't the most socially pleasant.

The sacrifices I make to research this stuff!

Totally worth it.

[Finances] Budgeting and Mint

I broke a previous post into two separate posts today... They weren't as on topic as I would like.


Budgeting is really important to make finances work, at any level of income.

I recommend starting with a program like Mint.  (No, I have not received any gifts or income from Mint.com. I just find their software incredibly useful, and want to share.)

 
Mint tracks your monthly expenses and incomes, and allows you to set a budget to see if you stay within it. Once you figure out what your budget is likely to be with a child, set yourself up a few trial months. See if that works for you, where you extra expenses are coming from, and where you can tighten things up. Then, once the baby comes, you'll be set.

But...where do you get the budget numbers in the first place of what you'll be spending?

A tool you can use to figure out your own personal situation is the LivingWage calculator for BC. On the website listed, you can access an excel spreadsheet and input your own current income numbers. Note that the starting numbers in the spreadsheet upon arrival are for a two parent family, both working, with two children, aged 4 and 7. If you personalize the numbers, this can give you a general idea of the subsidies you would qualify for, to help budget.

[Link Roundup] June 10-19

Michelle Sagara West (popular fantasy author), rebuts an earlier article from TheAtlantic.com on how the only way to be a successful mother and writer is to have one (or no) children.

May 30,2013: Vancouver Sun takes a poll: 2 in 5 women would consider becoming single mothers by choice.

June 5,2013: Japanese firms find single mothers make good managers

May 30, 2013: The Province's take on the new single mother trend:

Education plays a Vital Role in Single Mother's Journey

[Book Reviews] June 10-17

That's right, it's time for.... MOAR BOOKS!

This week I looked at two and a half more books that I will share with you:

1) Knock  Yourself Up: No Man? No Problem!, by Louise Sloan.

ISBN: 1583332863

I'm liking the tone of this book better than the first couple I read. It's very DIY (ha!), with a touch of humour. She doesn't take herself too seriously, and also uses a lot of anecdotal stories to tie things together. It also mentioned a group in Vancouver that meets up regularly since it's gotten too big for the usual forum mediums, but didn't have any specifics(gah!). I absolutely loved some of the "slang" ways of explaining SMCing to others/responding to the "Who's the father?" question. One was "I did a Murphy Brown", teehee. Also loved this quote from an SMC named Polly:

" I get irritated when I hear people saying, "You can't do this unless you make fifty five thousand dollars a year." Yes. Yes you can, I want women to know this. I'm doing it. It will be harder, and you will have to be more resourceful, but it can be done, because I"M DOING IT." - Polly

There were some great ideas about saving money in here too; some included befriending other lower income moms and trading home made baby food for variety; hiring $6/hour teens to babysit weekends instead of a $16/hour nanny; Rotating playgroup, where each mom "hosts" a mini daycare for a day a week and gets free care the other four days at other's houses/central locale; nanny share,or being a nanny with the condition that you get to bring your own child along with; and quite a few other ideas. Still working my way though, but I'm buying this book.

[Finances] British Columbia Subsidies

The question on much of my mind about becoming a choice mom is simply:

"Can I afford it?"

On initial look, things look a bit grim for the Vancouver scene...



"That single parents are much more likely to live below the poverty line is a fact throughout Canada"

"Poverty is a single mom issue", from Ralph Sultan, Economist's SFU Speech

"Half of children in families led by single mothers are poor"

These statements are hella scary.

That said? There are many demographics of single mothers. Choice moms have a leg up in a lot of respects. Most choice moms have a chance to plan ahead, and know that there finances are up for the lifestyle that they want for their family. There is no expectation of a second income from a partner (and thus risk of losing it), and no worry about child support coming on time(or not coming at all). You are absolutely aware of all your vices (drat you, chocolate and espresso!) and how they fit into your budget. This is an advantage that unplanned single parent families or single parents via divorce do not have. The flip side is that you are also absolutely aware that you are the only breadwinner... If you lose your job, things get ugly.

Things that can help out while parenting, no matter your economic status government subsidies.
Note that the Canada Government website does have calculators on which you can triple check your eligibility before budgeting in that extra money.

Some possible subsidies include:

The Universal Child Care Benefit. : Everyone in Canada received this one. For each child under six that you have in your household, the government will send you a check for $100 per child.You do need to apply for this.

The Canada Child Tax Benefit: This is an income dependent subsidy. You can follow this link to see if you would be eligible.. Most people will incomes under $70000 per family will be. Again, you would need to apply for this.

The National Child Benefit Supplement: This is an income dependent subsidy, the amount of which varies dependent on your income. If you are unemployed, this will add about $500 a year, per child, to your income. If you make over $43000 a year, you will not be eligible for this.

Rental Assistance Program (RAP): If you are a low income parent (under $35000, according to this particular set of hoops),  you may be eligible for rent money assistance. You need to have been employed within the last year, have at least one child, not be on EI or living in subsidized housing. Check out the RAP Subsidy to apply.

[Geeky] Picture Book Recommendations

I was browsing Chapters the other day, and came across a book set that I just had to take home. Theoretically, it's a book set for children, but I just loved the concept.

               

DARTH VADER and Son, and VADER's Little Princess, by Jeffrey Brown

That's right. It's a picture book on what life would have looked like if Darth Vader was a good and present father to his children, Luke and Leia. The books use many, favored scenes, tropes, and quasi-quotes from the movies, and definitely amuse in a nostalgic way. Below is a page excerpt. You can follow the above links to buy these books at Amazon.ca.

[Health] Day 3 Testing

As most of you know, one of the first steps in seeing if having a child is even in the ball game is getting your D3 Testing done. So I decided to get the first half of it done this cycle, to see if this blog had any chance at all of going anywhere.

I'm entering my thirties, and there was a chance things could not look so hot... (I think the current stats are one in twenty women go through early menopause?). I figured it couldn't hurt to get this bloodwork done now, and then again when I'm really serious about trying. Now that I have my results, I figured I would share them with you, and what they mean. It's time to get sciency! ^^

A few notes about the day three(D3) workup, just in case one isn't familiar. Day 3 includes at least two blood tests (LH/FSH), done on the third day of your cycle. So, you start bleeding/take your last birth control pill, then go in for the blood draw three days after that. You will be on your period,( or should be, if you have PCOS, haha). It's NOT the third day after you stop your period, or the third day of starting whatever hormonal birth control you take. Timing is important, and I found that bit confusing

[Latest Research Links] PCOS and Miscarriage

This article caught my eye, as we all know that women with PCOS have a higher chance of miscarriage once they get pregnant.

May 21/2013 Publish Date: 

 High levels of Homocysteine and/or Insulin Resistance may play a part in PCOS related first trimester miscarriages.

Summary:  High homocysteine can be a significant contributor in the role of first trimester miscarriage in PCOS patients. Other not yet published studies report the role of folic acid, Vit B6, and B12 supplementation to improve pregnancy outcomes in women showing this warning sign. The role of identification and active treatment of women with this abnormality could improve outcomes.

Why We Should Care: This could have new therapy potential for miscarriage prevention.

[Links] Link Roundup for June 2-9/2013

 Here are a few single motherhood related links from this week in the news.


On Single Moms -- The Increase in Single Motherhood: (Jezebel.com)

"For the first time in American history, more than half of new mothers under the age of 30 are unmarried"./.."In the rush to pass judgment on these unwed mothers, one question is almost never asked: how many of these young single moms would actually like to be married?." -Jezebel.com


Book Release: Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women are putting Motherhood Before Marriage

"Promises I Can Keep offers an intimate look at what marriage and motherhood mean to these women and provides the most extensive on-the-ground study to date of why they put children before marriage despite the daunting challenges they know lie ahead." Available in Ebook format as well.


 Tranferring a single prescreened chromosomally normal embryo with aSET (Single Embryo Transfer) has been proving to provide the same success rates as transferring two non-screened embryos in IVF (acog.org)
 
This trend could contribute to fewer preterm births and less mulitple births from IVF


Push Presents: the newest "thing" for new moms. (Jezabel.com)

....Because labor in itself seems to be another post-present occasion. I can't believe this one, guys... A present for going through labor, as well as a baby shower, and a gift registry. Interesting new etiquette concept.

Oops, I Forgot my Man-Hating Superbitch Outfit at Home...

" So why do you hate men so much?"

" Just keep waiting, someone will choose you!"

" But what about a guy? No one will want you after you have a kid"

These are all things that I've been personally met with this year when the subject, even jokingly, of being a Choice Mom turns up. I laugh it off, but really? A few things to say about the topic.

Contrary to popular belief, women like me who are considering single motherhood don't hate men. I like men; I enjoy hanging out with men, I've dated quite a few men who have been lovely, but just not the right fit. Have I given up on the idea of finding a partner? Not particularly. I've just reordered the goal of motherhood before the goal of finding a partner. I can date until the cows come home; I can only have a baby for the next few years, before fertility becomes an issue. I don't have the time to "wait to be chosen.", even if I had the temperament. :D If I do find someone, great. If I don't, that's okay too.

Any partner I chose would not be for the financial security aspect; I have enough income to take care of myself and any children I have. I don't feel any need to be "Looking for a father" for my kids-to-come, beyond choosing someone I respect. Any partner I chose would be someone who I enjoyed spending time with, who I felt that special something with, someone who I could trust and was walking in the same general direction as me.

I do firmly value the contribution of males towards parenting. Children definitely benefit from having role models of both sexes in their lives, whatever the sex of the children... There are so many types of families out there these days. My type of family will have a Granddad, A Big Brother, several Uncles, and a Godfather to fill the gap of male loving role model, if I don't meet the right person. Even if I do, all those wonderful role models will still be there in my child's life.

I argue that single people parenting on their own actually value men more than most. They've done it all by themselves, and both know what one person is capable of, and are thankful for the help when they get it. Men are seen as also capable of choosing what type of life they want(kids or no kids etc), and are respected for communicating that the direction one is going is not the direction that they want to go in.

The misunderstandings come in when people assume that all a single mom is looking for is someone to fill a role(pay the bills/take out the garbage/"Be A Father") instead of someone with mutual likes/dislikes/paths/zingyfeelings. Some say that expecting both is asking too much, or having too high of standards. Some get offended at the stereotype of a single mom looking to role-fill, and avoid dating entirely. Some have low self esteem or a specific cultural message that says, "Nothing matters except you filling these roles", and get offended when they are turned away due to other factors not being right.



TD;LR.  Choice moms don't hate men, we just have Things to Do that can't wait until we find one.

[Finances] Or, ZOMG, can I afford to do this?

Mikki Morrisette's book states that the average income for a choice mom is about 60 thousand dollars, though people with more and less are diving in as well.

This jives with Vancouver's current household average income of $67 090, as per 2010 statistics Canada. Household is defined as "Couple families, with or without children, and lone parent families." So if a choice mom is able to make about that, theoretically that would be "enough" to live on here in Vancouver.

But what if you have less? Is living here in our lovely Vancouver viable? I'll be doing a series of posts crunching the numbers around that over the next few months.

Introduce Yourself?

This is a post that I've set up to give readers an opportunity to introduce themselves, let me know how they found the blog, and tell a little bit about their story. If you want to say "hi", or ask a public question, this is the place!

[Book Review] June 2-9, 2013

This is the first post in a series in which I will be reading books recommended for people thinking of single parenting by choice/pcos sufferers, and sharing which of them I found useful versus which I didn't. YMMV.

- 250 Personal Finance Questions for Single Mothers, by Susan Reynolds.

      Skimmed through this today in entire. The single mothers bit appears to just be a target audience wank; other than the assumption of only one income, this book is basic financial advice for everyone. "Don't rack up money on your credit cards, buy if you think you'll be there for more than five years, and remember to claim your tax credits." No specific tips to add, except US based tips on educational savings plans not applicable to Canada. Ok if you have never had to think about finances before, but for the average SMC, (not recently-divorced housewife), this is all 101. Did not find to be useful.

- Choosing Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide, by Mikki Morrissette

Many anecdotal stories of how it feels to be in various situations. Good "average financial picture of a SMC found here: most SMC's have an average income of 60k or more, are in their mid-thirties to late thirties, and ensure they have around 15k in the bank to cover their "trying" expenses of getting pregnant. Some buy houses, some do not. There are SMC's that have much lower incomes, and much higher, of course, but 60k and some savings seem to be the benchmark for this appearing "doable" back in the nineties. Most SMC's who have significantly lower incomes than this made sure they had significant family support for child care when they were out, such as a local mother/grandmother who could assist.

Also stresses a strong support network of at least three people in your life who will Be There for you in your path. "Financially motivated supports such as nannies etc can really help you, but knowing you have at least three people who will come and visit you, help you paint that nursery, chat with you about your challenges and joys, and otherwise support you is a MUST. You'll pick up more situational friends than that when your baby gets old enough for playgroups, but have three people committed to this role when you start."

I think this is tempered by the approach of the internet and the immense support networking found there. Three is a good number still though for having someone there at the birth with you, for coffee dates and furniture shopping, for babysitting to allow you to sleep for that one afternoon a week to keep sanity, etc.

I don't know who would be my Three at this point; the books also advises that those you think will be there for you are often very different from those who actually are there for you. I think that's like any life change though... you expect a certain group of people to be the ones to step up, yet things often surprise. If I decide to go through with this course, I will probably ask certain people to fill this role, and have a ritual for being my child's godparents/my helpmeets in this matter.

Still in process of reading. Definitely a useful book, with a conversational feel, and a lot of content.
 

[Support Systems] What exactly does this mean, anyway?

It seems the first thing in all of the single mother by choice books recommend is to "Build up your support network." What that is, and how to do that, is usually left vague.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I guess what they mean is to ensure you have a network of people who can sub in for all the various human needs that you will have while a mother -- I.e. someone to brag to about your child; someone to share those moments with when you just have no patience left; someone to babysit for a few hours while you go out and get groceries; someone who will sit through labor with you.

A community of people who you can count on to life this experience through with you. Online community can certainly pay a part in that, especially if you are not in a large city.

One of the first recommended places for online community is the Single Mothers By Choice forums. Jane, the author of the original "Single Mother by Choice" book, has a website at singlemothersbychoice.org  ; part of the website is a pay-for-membership forum group.

You can choose to pay either $35/year for website forum membership, or pay $55/year for the full membership. Full membership gets you a list of SMC's in your town, and an in person meetup group. Back-story is that Jane had been running all those groups on the yahoo forums for years, but the maintenance got too much and so they transferred all the groups to their own server. Yahoo groups are still occasionally used for local chapter discussion.

Mikki Mikelson, the author of "Choice Moms", the more recent book on the market, also has a website with interactive elements; I would encourage you to check both out if you are early on your journey.

[IVF] Clinical Trials in Colarado, Cheap IVF

Just heard about this study in Colarado:

If you meet the following qualifications, you will be eligible for free trial medications and a $7500 discount on your IVF cycle. Qualifications are as follows:

• Previous blastocyst CCS cycle failure (includes all aneuploid or no biopsy cycle)
• Maternal age ≤ 42 years at time of retrieval
• Sufficient sperm for ICSI (≥20 million/ml, ≥20% motility & ≥2% morph)
• Planning a repeat CCS cycle
• Diminished ovarian reserve of; resting follicle count <10, AMH <1.2ng/ml or ≤4 oocytes retrieved in a prior IVF cycle

Follow this link to get to the study.

[PCOS] Useful links to understanding PCOS and it's link to fertility

There were a few useful online resources I found while looking into PCOS and its relationship to infertility.

1. Sher Fertility Clinics Summary of what PCOS is.

I found three things especially useful on this page:

The description of the various sub-types of PCOS,
The typical (differing!) reactions to various fertility treatment protocols; and
The relationship of PCOS to egg quality.

2. PCOS: Will I pass it on to my daughter? 

In short, most probably. Both males and females can pass down the genes for PCOS, but environmental factors will determine if they "activate" or not. The same genes responsible for male pattern baldness and high cholesterol in males can also be responsible for PCOS. Extrapolate... pick a male sperm donor without baldness or cholestorol problems in his family, and you're less likely to pass on PCOS to your daughter.


3. Don't be Sad, Look at these Baby Ducks

For when all the jargon and possibilities stress you out beyond measure

Belated Gifts for Geeky Moms

Just in case you need a list of things to get a geeky mom already in your life, here's a great link to ThinkGeek's yearly profile list.

I'm currently swooning over the unicorn slippers, the leather statement cuff, and the "Loading...please wait" maternity shirt.

The lab cutter science cookie cutter set is pretty awesome too.

[PCOS] My PCOS Story

I have been aware of my PCOS diagosis for about fifteen years now.

Welcome Post

Welcome to my blog.

This is the blog of a geekette entering her thirties and seriously considering the path of a single mother by choice. If you are thinking about the same thing, or looking for different perspective on the whole thing, this is the blog for you.

A little about me: I'm in my early thirties, single, geeky, living in the vibrant city of Vancouver, British Columbia. I love Joss Whedon anything, have participated in the Society for Creative Anachronism, love reading science fiction/fantasy writing, and enjoy attending various geek conventions. I made a muppet puppet of Beaker to be my date to last New Years.

 I didn't always want to be a mom; in my early twenties, I was quite ambivalent about the whole idea. It's since grown on me. For years, I kind of thought things would line up in place on there own... That I would meet a guy that made me happy, get married, have kids, be sickeningly happy together thirty years later, yadda yadda, just like my parents.

I woke up this year to the cold splash of reality: that hasn't happened, and my clock is ticking. I've been diagnosed with PCOS, and that means if I don't have kids in the next five or so years, I'm unlikely to without major intervention that I may not be able to afford on my own. I can always meet a partner later... I am running out of time to have children.

This blog is where I'm going to be working out both my feelings about starting a family on my own, and the logistics of it. When I get to the trying phase (estimated 2015/16), I'll be documenting my journey there as well. I haven't been able to find much on the thinking stage of SMCing, so I figured I would add to the literature. ^^