So I've drawn myself a few new lines in the sand.
First line:
I am not allowed to move forward with any more SMC stuff until I have my finances until control. What do I mean by this? I want to have the absolute minimum 5% downpayment in my pocket for the tiniest house I can squeak by with, and another known sum of money in my pocket in preparation for the expense of Trying.
I've been over focusing, and thinking about this too much. It's going to take at least a year, maybe three, to get this point done. I need to remember to live my life as well as plan my future.
Second line:
I am going to allow myself to mourn possibilities that are likely/unlikely to happen if I continue down this SMC path. Properly mourn. I spend too much time being positive, reminding myself that Things Aren't Like That and Chance! Luck! Change!
Those are good things for staying positive, but I also need to acknowledge that I will lose things, concepts, possible paths by choosing to mother alone. Without truly staring them in the face and saying goodbye, it's hard to gut understand the path's turns.
I'm unlikely to be walked down the aisle by my father, beaming proudly.
No one will be holding my hand in the labor room... Or someone I hire will be, most likely.
When I'm sick, I will likely have to ignore my pain, as there will be no one else to care for my child available. I will have to accept that I get growly in such situations, and forgive myself.
I will have to deal with butthurt men belittling my family composition, thoughtlessly and most likely hurting my child's feelings in retaliation for my choice to create my family somehow preventing them from finding a family of their own.
I will always feel those twinges of poverty, as other two income parent's make thoughtless assumptions about base contributions towards group activities or goals.
Many of my friends will drift away, as commonalities dwindle.
I'm unlikely to achieve anywhere close to the level of financial stability or freedom that I would as a single person.
I'm unlikely to do much travelling with a child, as compared to without.
If I choose to co-parent, dating will always have the extra layer of complication, or I may choose to not date at all and focus on the family of coparenting. I would be choosing to live with the uncertainty of "What if someone comes along with the "whole package", and my coparent leaves?
