Investments

What happens if I put all this effort and thought into becoming a choice mom, and then it doesn't pan out?

Welcome to the What-If Woods

There are so many ways that it could go to the birds... Infertility, lack of funds, financial emergency in other areas of life. Heck, I could even just decide that this isn't the path for me. That is part of the risk of thinking about going life as a choice mom. You have to throw all your resources at one goal, and if they run out, they run out. There isn't anyone else to back you up, in either determination or funding. What then?

Would this blog be a waste, a source of embarrassment for me, a reminder of things that I couldn't make happen?

I don't think so.

Some one else may find value in reading my frenetic confabulations, my waverings and research. The end of my story, if it ends badly, may be of use as well, as a warning to avoid that set of choices. Even if they didn't.... documenting something that drove me so hard during a period in my life has value.

My life without children would still have value, and positivity in it. While having a child would enhance my life, I'm not going to be desolate and worthless without one. There are a lot of things  I could do as a childless woman; afford a better house, go on trips, take up more hobbies....While that would be an emotional wound, that path's door closing, I would be able to get up and go on.

I think I needed to say that out loud. Part of me views going on childless as checking out of life and life's interactions... That meandering through life going to cons and never experiencing being on the other end of family life leaves something irreparably incomplete.That I'm not creative enough of a person to make my "contribution" to society to be my art, or social commentary, or hosting skills. My relationship to beauty isn't one of comfortableness. I'm not an artist.  I'm not a social engineer, working marvels with interpersonal skills.

I'm a Geek; I'm a Maker; I'm a researcher and someone who is happy to roll up their sleeves to help her friends.  I'm gifted with so many friends who are able to show tangible contributions to the world at large, while my hours and spirit are spent on practical matters; Things that make my heart sing, but are wholly undervalued by the world at large.

I would still have value to myself if I chose to not go through with this.